Becoming, Lucy

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  • Two Steps Back (and Still Becoming)

    I haven’t written for a while again. I’ve been ill (again, woohoo) and I’ve also been super busy.

    I’ve been reflecting on some of my writing though, and I can’t help but think I take a step forward, then two steps back.

    I seem to have these big revelations as I write, or seem to resolve whatever spiral I end up in, but when I read them back a few weeks later, I realise I never really sit with my resolution. I just accept it, forget about it, and then move on… only to end up in the same spiral again a few weeks later.

    I suppose that’s becoming, though.

    Or maybe it’s my brain’s way of saying that I know the answers, I can get them out, but I just need to learn how to process them.

    Or maybe I’m just full of shit and pretend to know what the hell I’m on about.
    Definitely the third option.

    But again… that’s becoming. (That’s what I’m going to tell my delusional self anyway.)

    Sigh. I don’t know. It’s exhausting.

    Am I meant to have it all figured out?
    If the answer is no – then what should I know right now?
    If the answer is yes – can someone tell me why it’s so damn hard to figure it all out?

    I just feel stuck, like I’m constantly going round in circles.

    It reminds me of an image I saw once. It said that if we don’t do anything, we stay stagnant – the line doesn’t move. But if we do something, even when it feels messy, the line might go up and down, but progress is still being made.

    Maybe I am still progressing.
    Even if I feel like I’m struggling, I’m still taking steps towards the person I want to be, or maybe, the person I already am.

    I’m discovering her slowly.

    So now I need to make sure that after this big revelation, I remember it. That I actually process it.

    I am enough.

    (Wow. Writing that sentence made tears come to my eyes. Maybe that’s a spiral for another day -there’s definitely trauma behind it.)

  • Somewhere Between Stations

    The train was delayed. I’d grown tired of my book and even more tired of skipping songs that didn’t fit the moment. Then something outside the window caught my eye – I’m not even sure what, and suddenly my mind slipped into a spiral. The words that followed poured straight from my head, through the pen, and onto the page.

    I just had a moment of what is the point. The train driver is a train driver because? The accountant is an accountant because? What is the point? We’re just cogs. Are we making the world go round? No. Are we making life go round? Kind of. But who for? Really? For us? What is the point of life? Seriously? I honestly have no idea. I wish I knew. I suppose there is no point. So what’s the point? What is the point in everything, if there is no point?

    I’m having an existential crisis on board this train.

    Maybe the point is there is no point and I’m born to just be. To just live. Unapologetically me. Just live.

    Go through the motions of being human. Feel emotions. Love too hard, too much. Laugh and cry. Hold and be held.

    Just be.

    The more I think about this writing, I can’t help but feel like saying “what a load of shit.”
    The point is there is no point? Is that really true?
    Am I meant to find my own meaning in this world? Am I meant to just live how everyone else is? Is this seriously my life for the next 50 years?

    I don’t know, but it seems a load of crap. The world is so beautiful. Humans are beautiful. Yet, my life is the same mundane thing everyday? I’m meant to choose a career or something and say “yes, the reason I was put on the earth is to do this 5 days a week, 9 hours a day”?

    I’d love to believe what I wrote, to “just be” – but honestly, I don’t think it’s possible.

  • Maybe Happiness Is This

    I was thinking I’m not really in my feels lately, and that’s why I can’t write anything decent.
    But then I thought, what if I’m just happy?

    But I’m not even sure I know what happiness feels like.
    Which is such a weird thing to admit, isn’t it? Surely I should know what it feels like?

    When my sons were born?
    When I sit and play with them?
    Surely? But all I can think is, yeah that feels nice, but there were other feelings there too.

    What does happiness actually feel like?
    I’m not sure. What’s it supposed to feel like?

    I’ve felt fine. Just okay.
    But I don’t think I’ve ever felt pure happiness.

    Maybe when I found out I was pregnant with my first son – I cried tears of joy, but also absolute fear. Even though he was very much wanted and (kind of) planned, it was still terrifying.

    I keep trying to justify it. Trying to prove that I have been happy at least once in my life. But I genuinely can’t think of a single time I’ve felt that big, cinematic kind of happiness people talk about.

    Maybe happiness isn’t a big moment.
    Maybe it’s not something that stays for long periods of time.
    Maybe it’s just small moments.

    Holding my sons in the quiet hospital room when it was just us.
    Those small moments of peace.

    Or when I sit and listen to music in the evening, and that’s it – nothing else.
    Or when I light a candle and just watch the flame flicker.
    Or when I watch my boys play together.

    Maybe happiness isn’t something that lasts, because life always finds a way to distract us.
    But there’s joy to be found in every moment.

    When I walk in the cold morning air and the sun peeks through the clouds.
    Or when every sock has a pair and there’s none left in the basket (I wish).

    Maybe my days are full of happiness – I just let the things that seem important get in the way.

  • Small Moments That Stretch My World

    I haven’t sat down to write in a few days. I’ve honestly been exhausted – on top of the toddler being ill, then of course getting ill myself and the last week of school before half term, it has been none stop. There were moments when I felt guilty for not finding time, for not pushing through anyway, but I reminded myself I’m allowed to rest, to take time for myself, especially when I’m ill.

    So here I am, today. I’m showing up when I feel able to, when I feel comfortable enough to do so. I am proud of me for doing what was best for me this week and not just because writing, journaling or whatever we want to call this, is what has been helping me most.

    With how busy I’ve been this week (busy dying in bed), I don’t have much to write about. I haven’t had any ground-breaking moments, or anything particular to share but like I said in my last entry, life doesn’t have to be chaos, just small moments that stretch my world.

    I saw a stranger in a coffee shop the other day (when I wasn’t ill). I went to work and was deep in focus but I looked up and there was a man, sat there alone. He wasn’t on his phone, or any device. It was just him, the table and his coffee. The scene fully distracted me, I was so curious to know whether he was lonely or just quite happy looking between his coffee and the wall.

    Yes, he sat with his back to the whole café so he was facing the wall. Even when I’m sat, not working or reading, I don’t sit with my back to the café, I face it so I can people watch and make up crazy backstories for each person. So this man definitely had me curious.

    My social anxiety was screaming at me not to start a conversation and unfortunately, it won. I suck at small talk. I should’ve used that moment to stretch my world a little bit and I will, next time (I’ve made myself promise) – but that whole moment stretched my world just a little. He had me curious, he had me questioning my own choices and even made me promise to strike up a conversation with a stranger next time I see someone alone. It’s the small steps, the small moments that help me on my becoming journey.

    I suppose I also need to answer the three questions I told myself I would answer each week:

    What made me feel alive this week?
    Probably the moment in the cafe with the stranger. He reminded me that we might feel lonely in our own worlds, but we share this big world with billions of others and thats a magical thing.

    What did I choose differently?
    I don’t have a dramatic answer for this… Oh wait, yes I do. Well not dramatic but it’s better than me saying I’ve finally gone from iced coffee to hot now it’s cold enough. I chose not to guilt myself for resting.

    What would I tell my boys about this moment if they were my age?
    Hmm… I’d tell them I was proud of them for choosing themselves, for not letting themselves sit in guilt. I would also say they should find any stranger and strike up conversation with them, they don’t have to look lonely or make you pause for you to step out of your comfort zone. Start easy, start with the barista at the cafe next time.

    Wow… I did not expect to get that out of me by answering those questions. I guess it shows I already have the answers inside of me, even when I don’t feel like I do, I just need to approach it differently.

    I’m philosophical as fuck now that I’ve taken a break from writing for a bit. Call me philosophical Luce x

  • I’m Done Disguising Fear As Responsibility

    Hi me,

    I didn’t write at all yesterday… Truthfully I was asleep when I usually sit down to write. 4am wake up and work 6am – 5pm meant I was asleep by 6:30pm – I was exhausted.

    I’m not sure I had much to say yesterday anyway, or even today. Life is still… Life. Just getting through each day…

    It’s no way to live is it? I don’t want to live like this, just doing life. My mind has just jumped to something I learned in Sociology at college, how some people are happy with life being like this and that’s why the world will never change. I’m really not sure I want to end up on a massive sociology spiral with myself, so I’ll go back to making it about myself instead.

    So yes, I don’t want to just live life like this everyday… I get that it’s normal – life isn’t meant to be something fancy everyday or the way we see it in movies or in the media but I also don’t want to work to live or spend everyday doing the same routine for the rest of my life. I want adventure, to explore, to do my passions – start that business, write my book, see the world, research things I’m interested in.

    And I can. I can do those things but also those things require money and time. I’m about to spiral into the fact I’m a mother and it just isn’t my time right now, I can feel it sat there wanting to come out but I’m fed up of that excuse. Because that is what it is, it’s an excuse. I can find ways around it, I can include the boys, I can make extra money (somehow) – I don’t have to keep using being a mother and having limited funds as an excuse.

    I want to live for today, not for in 10 years. I want to show my boys what it’s like to live for today, not just for the future – the future is still important but so is today. I am fed up of disguising my fear as responsibility. I want to show my boys how to live, not just survive.

    I have started already though, I should give myself some credit. I am doing things I wouldn’t have done 2 years ago, booking those concert tickets, taking day trips, having ‘me’ time rituals and also including the boys in my things. Small things, which have been making a difference to my everyday life and helping me shape who I am as a person – discovering who I am away from being a mum.

    I have been reminded how short life is time and time again, so it’s time to show myself and my boys what it’s like to live. Living doesn’t need to be chaos, or big dramatic moments, just small things that stetch my world.

    So starting this week, I’m going to answer three questions – not just for me, but so my boys can see it too someday:

    What made me feel alive this week?
    What did I choose differently?
    What would I tell my boys about this moment if they were my age?

    Hopefully these help me understand what ‘living’ means to me and I can begin stretching my world.

    Sending love, me x

  • Going Through The Motions

    Need to write. Should write. No idea what to write.

    The truth is, I’m feeling disconnected from myself. I feel as though I’m watching my life, rather than live it at the moment. I’m just going through the motions.

    It’s such an odd feeling. I didn’t notice it until earlier – I lit a candle, watched the rain against the window (yes, I live life like I’m the main character, obviously) and sipped on my tea. In that moment, I realised how much I haven’t been present at all this week, just getting through each day.

    It’s funny because I told a friend I was doing okay. The first few days of grief hit me hard and then somehow I just kind of… forgot. Maybe forgot isn’t the right word as I would still have moments where it would hit me he’s really gone during the day but I just kind of avoided it.

    I don’t think I allow myself to think about it until I have to – which is usually at the funeral. But no funeral this time, as that wasn’t their wish and I’m not quite sure how to process it.

    I’m really not sure where I’m going with this. I wanted to write, I have wrote something half finished once again. No resolution – just simply recognising I’m not feeling up to it.

  • Till The Sweat Turns To Blood

    Inspired by Sleep Token’s ‘Say That You Will’, I wanted to explore what it means to love someone so deeply that it bleeds you dry, literally and emotionally. I gave myself a challenge, to write without dialogue. And this is the result…

    Embers scatter in the air between us as I watch Arni’s expression closely.

    I know I’m treading a thin line, but I need to be close to her tonight – even if it is the last thing she wants.

    Saying the fire would alert those who were hunting us was a poor excuse, but I couldn’t go another night without feeling the curve of her body against mine, or without inhaling her vanilla scent she still seems to have even after days on the run in this godforsaken forest.

    I watch her expression remain unreadable – the same expression I’ve been met with ever since she learned the truth about how we ended up in this mess.

    My chest aches.

    If only she knew the whole truth.

    My eyes flick briefly to the dying fire, listening as the last of the wood cracks and pops under the heat before lifting my gaze again.

    There. Was that a glint in her eye? A glimmer of something more?

    I watch her head move, almost imperceptibly – a small nod of acceptance.

    I’ll take it. God, I’ll take any form of communication at this point. The silence has been killing me; I almost think it just might, if the forest doesn’t kill me first.

    The forest floor offers little comfort as we nestle beside one another.

    The fire now out completely – but her body, her blonde locks sprawled against the dark brown surface, bring me warmth that only she has ever made me feel.

    The sounds of her soft breaths are the only thing I hear as we lay beside one another.

    I find myself wanting to bring my face close to hers, just so I can hear every breath, feel every breath. But I don’t.

    I wish she would say something.
    Anything.

    In the dark she feels like mine – like it’s just me and her, no one else.

    We were trained to kill, to fight, to defend – but this feeling, this impulse to love, is overwhelming.

    They’re entangled.

    I wish she’d say something.
    This silence has got me in a frenzy.

    My chest aches.

    Wait.

    I’m sweating.
    My chest feels wet.

    Wait.

    I’m bleeding.

    Oh…

    Love.

  • Ordinary

    Hi Me,

    Today was boring.

    You know I keep wanting to say my life is boring but it isn’t – it’s ordinary. I say boring because it’s not filled with loads of activities, news or gossip like you see all these influencers on TikTok or YouTube or on all the other countless social platforms. I have to remind myself that social media isn’t real, it’s mainly performance and ‘Day In The Life’ videos are usually filmed when people actually do stuff that’s worth videoing.

    So today was ordinary. School run, work from home and a coffee shop (mainly people watching) then school run followed by tea (it’s tea, not dinner), a kitchen dance party, boys bedtime, then a workout. Now I’m here, writing again. I don’t really have much to say but I know if I just let myself write then I’ll end up spiralling into a topic I want to discuss somehow.

    Some things I’m enjoying at the moment:

    • Working out/exercising consistently
    • Music
    • Crunchy autumn leaves
    • Writing

    I’m not spiralling, oh dear. Maybe I can only write on rest days when the endorphins aren’t keeping me happy as Larry. Oh, never mind. Blood Sport by Sleep Token has just come on shuffle so that should do it.

    Actually, that has just reminded me of something that happened today.

    While I was working, I had this rush of emotion that was overwhelming and intense. It made me uncomfortable, especially when I wasn’t sure why it had happened mid-task, when I was distracted. I couldn’t name it at first, I wasn’t sure why or what I was feeling. But then it all clicked into place – LIFEBLOOD by VOILA had just played.

    I was filled with this need to be loved and to give love.

    It came like a heaviness at first over my whole body, especially in my chest; not in a suffocating way, but just as though there was a lot I was holding inside wanting to be released. My body felt fuzzy, my hands craved connection. Things felt warm and heavy all at once.

    My body took the small pause, the second between tasks, as a moment to speak and I let it – I listened to what it was asking for, longing for. My body craves to be there for someone, to love someone, to nurture them whilst also being seen and held with the mutual compassion.

    But in this moment of reflection I realised I can only receive that if I can give that to myself – I need to be able to show myself softness and love like that. I need to be able to give myself permission to receive love like that.

    Not quite sure how to end this one now. I wish I had a list of things that I’m going to start doing to show myself tenderness and softness like that, but I don’t – I’m just going to figure it out as I go, one step at a time.

    I don’t need to be perfect, I just need to be present.

    Yours,
    Still Becoming

  • Hi, Me.

    I have been unsure on how to continue writing when I hit a slump because the truth is, I still have too many thoughts that need to come out but I’m just unsure on how to verbalise them or no one to discuss them with… Which makes me sound lonely as fuck but I promise I’m not, I’m just not sure my friends and family want to hear about my every thought when they have their own stuff.

    I was thinking I should write letters to my future self but I feel like that restricts me a little and I know I would face mental blocks with doing that. I’d end up addressing myself too much and probably spiral thinking about how future me might not have her shit together like I hope she would. I do still think I am going to treat these as letters to my future self but almost as a conversation like she is here with me, on the page, something that keeps me talking… An unfiltered conversation between me, myself and I.

    One day I will be able to read these and think “god, I was dramatic” or “do I ever shut up?” – which will be nice to look back and reflect. This will sort of be like a time capsule of my life, my thoughts, my emotions.

    So…. Hi me. (Gosh, that’s awkward.) We’re currently listening to Church by Henry Verus on repeat, do you like it? Make sure you really listen to the lyrics, its not really about God and religion – I mean it is on a level but not really.

    Do I really want to get into a religion conversation with you? I wonder if you feel the same? I didn’t come from a religious family, I went to a school that prayed everyday but they didn’t overly push religion onto you. I always said I don’t believe in a God but the funny thing is, I have found myself praying before and hoping on a higher power. Was it just for hope? Do you pray much?

    I have prayed for many things; for friends or family to get better when they were really ill or whenever a situation looked dire but also for selfish reasons I’m sure. When the demons were at their worst, I remember pleading with the sky, hoping something or someone could help me. Maybe I only believe when I’m in desperate search of hope… Maybe writing is my way of talking to something bigger?

    Not quite sure why I brought the conversation to religion when I could’ve discussed music instead… I’m still learning how to speak to you truthfully, how to really just let myself be free with you. I had a moment yesterday when I realised I think way too logically even when I’m alone and don’t need to ‘perform’ for anyone.

    I found myself having an emotion, then thought, then emotion, then thought like some sort of looped code – I caught myself and obviously asked myself why on earth am I thinking like that? In the next breath, I realised when I write, I’m completely free – the thoughts, the words, the emotions just fall out of me how clothes fall out when you open a tumble dryer mid spin.

    After this revelation, I wasn’t fully sure what to do with that information so I’ve sat with it today, allowed myself moments to ponder it between work, feeding my boys and just ordinary life stuff. I think I need to let her out more; the one that free thinks, that flow. To do that, I need to practice which is going to be uncomfortable, I know. I’m going to try speaking as her out loud more, start off small and speak my daydreams or describe my mundane tasks as if I’m writing, even just for a minute at a time.

    I think I’ve always been her but I’ve suppressed her for so long that it feels foreign. Still, I’m tired of these masks, I’m ready to be free, to become.

  • Continuing Isn’t Betrayal

    I’m not sure what to write about today… I wanted to do a journal entry or focus on a topic. And I did – I wrote about being grown up/mature for your age but it just feels… Wrong.

    It feels wrong just to continue life when someone else’s stopped so suddenly. I know if I live like that, then that isn’t living and I’m sure someone will give me some bullshit about how the person that passed would want me to continue my life, which is great, but not helpful at all. Why should I get to continue my life when theirs ended so abruptly, without warning? When they could have had another 20/30 years easily?

    All my problems feel so small and so pointless. It’s such a weird feeling because my problems don’t disappear just because they feel smaller. I guess this is part of becoming though, going through these lessons, these seasons. My problems may feel smaller but they’re still part of me and my journey into becoming the person I want to be. I want to be able to live my life – so when I do die, myself and others can say I lived my life the way I wanted to live it, that I had a full life.

    I suppose I need to figure out what that looks like for me, what makes my life ‘full’. And now I’m stumped. I don’t know what that could look like for me.

    • I want to say ‘yes’ more – Go to that concert, go on that holiday, go on that hike. Just do it.
    • I want to achieve my million and one dreams – finish writing my book, start that business, begin my bucket list.

    And that’s all I can think of right now… Maybe that’s what part of becoming is, learning what makes life ‘full’. I suppose with each season, my definition of ‘living life to the fullest’ will change and that’s okay. My chapters are being written as I go and the ending isn’t set.

    For now, I’m going to stick with trying to find the joy in the small things, to continue being present so I can notice them because right now, continuing to live feels like a cruel privilege. But continuing isn’t a betrayal.