Becoming, Lucy

In September I took a train, I saw a cloud and it caused words to fall out of me, which then of course made me freak out. These are the words that left me:

“Clouds floating by themselves, is that just what 20s are – the loneliness. Surrounded by other clouds but literally in the atmosphere by themselves. wtf. jesus.”

Yes. Exactly like that. Anyway, I decided to revisit it a few weeks later when I wasn’t on the verge of a breakdown. Who am I kidding? I’m always on the verge of a breakdown. Yes. I am dramatic. Lets move on please. This isn’t therapy. (Or is it?)

ANYWAY, here is what I wrote a few weeks later:

“Today I saw a cloud in the sky. “A cloud? Wow.” I know that’s what you’re thinking. But just bear with me. It was the wispy kind, barely anything to it, followed it’s own pattern of swirls. A whisper. The others looked like cotton balls.

It wasn’t really in the sky either. I mean it was. But not really. It almost looked like you could touch it. The other clouds looked part of the sky, this one was just there, floating freely on it’s own, almost like it was part of the air, not the sky.

I couldn’t help but pause. It looked so out of place whilst also looking like it was exactly where it was supposed to be. I felt like that cloud. I feel like that cloud. ‘

My twenties are hard. I don’t feel part of the collective. Part of the sky where all the other clouds are. I don’t look like the other clouds either. But that’s okay. I’m okay here. Finding my own way. We all go the same way, towards our thirties, just how clouds always go with the wind. I’m just on a different journey.”

It’s not good writing. It’s not meant to be. Nothing here is meant to be good writing. But I needed to write that for myself, I needed that moment to pause, to reflect. It was my reminder that I’m okay where I am, even if I did have an existential crisis before.