Category: diary-entry
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I think about cancer all the time. That I have it. That I deserve it. That I’m going to die slowly and painfully. That I’ll discover I have it and it’ll be too late to do anything to save me. I think about death all the time. What it would be like to be dead.…
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Clarity is a new concept to me. Maybe new isn’t the way to describe it but I registered it for the first time the other day, Things I had been worried about for quite sometime, something I was certain was giving me grey hairs – I gained clarity on. I didn’t realise I had gained…
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I had a dream that my sister turned into a gorilla and rubbed her chest hairs proudly. My dreams have been WILD lately. I wake up from them absolutely baffled and I keep waking up in the middle of the night completely confused. I don’t remember all of them, just bits and pieces and the…
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Healing is a load of bullshit. Apparently you have to unpack something that hurt you deeply. Something you stored in a box and refused to look at. Then replay each detail with forensic precision. You open the box and carry it around for weeks, all while not feeling like yourself. You overreact, withdraw, make decisions…
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I have a confession. I think I’ve become bitter. I can’t stand seeing happy couples. Families. Fathers present with their kids. I have to look away. Or I catch myself staring, feeling resentment for strangers. And I’ll admit, I have been hesitant to write this piece, even with it constantly on my mind, because it’s…
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Is it normal to know you’re suppressing your emotions and being unable to stop? I know when I’m intellectualising. I know when I’m masking. I know when I’m making myself smaller and staying quiet. I almost understand why. So why can’t I stop? They say awareness is the first step… Yet I feel like I’ve…
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Lonely. Loneliness makes me believe I am not worth knowing, that my thoughts aren’t worth hearing, that I should stay quiet, that I shouldn’t rely on someone, that my silence is easier. And I can’t write anything because I just have this block in my head that says no one – not even myself- wants…
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She swamAnd swamI had to look more than once She had a rock on her backHer arms swung in what looked like perfect rhythmHer legs kicked too But she wasn’t equipped for the waterSalt stung her eyesThe current pushed her sideways, back,Never forward Every breath she took, Water invaded,Burning her lungs She kept moving anywayLike muscle…
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Should I be about to open the floodgates to my emotions whilst sat in a coffee shop after ignoring them for over a week? No. Probably not. But here I am, about to do it anyway. I have no hope. No happiness. I am just a shell of a human. In fact, I’m just a…
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I was never meant to live this long and now I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life. People want me to plan for a future that’s five, ten years ahead. But I can barely see tomorrow. I don’t have a single thing planned out. I can’t imagine the future. It all…
Becoming, Lucy 