Becoming, Lucy

Dear Diary,

It’s cold today. I don’t feel as though I have much to say. It has been an average Saturday. Storm Amy wasn’t as bad as they made out it was going to be (at least not where I am, I hope everyone else is safe and well) so I managed to get out this morning and also this afternoon.

I took the boys on a puddle walk, they loved running through the puddles and jumping up and down. The toddler face planted a lot and the oldest ended up making puddles in my kitchen with the amount of water in his wellies… (Remind me to buy him some new wellies).

It hasn’t really been a day of letting my mind wander or having the time to. The weekend is hard with two young kids, especially when they’re not easily entertained for more than 30 minutes by one activity. That’s a lie, they are, it usually just involves lots of shouting and loud noises which obviously drives any parent crazy after awhile, even those that claim they love it. Who loves hearing their children shout for 12 hours straight? 6am – 6pm. No.

I shared something really raw and vulnerable earlier on my blog, kind of freaked me out pressing publish but I knew I had to share it, I know I won’t be the only one with those thoughts. I feel as though I am just writing for the sake of writing currently… I feel disconnected from myself today honestly.

I am in tune with my emotions. That’s a lie. I feel my emotions really strongly physically but I struggle to name them sometimes, or resolve them. Any therapists who read this are probably saying it’s okay to feel them and I should feel them, just not for too long. But how does one feel an emotion when they are not sure where that emotion is coming from, when they are not sure what is causing it?

Maybe I should write about something bothering me. I have things bothering me. If I write about them though, I am naming them, I have to confront them. That scares me. This reminds me of something that happened this week actually. A friend of mine suggested writing a letter to someone I am no longer in contact with, not to send but to just get my emotions out there and I gave them the same reply ‘that scares me, I don’t want to confront my emotions and thoughts.’

Why am I so scared? Why am I so scared to feel?

I wrote the letter to that person in the end. But I didn’t do it properly. I wrote it as if I was sending them it so I held back, I didn’t say everything I was really feeling or thinking. I should try again, I know. But guess what? I’m scared.

Gosh, I hate myself. No. That’s not true. I’m learning to love myself. I love myself.

I just picked up my phone to distract myself from my thoughts. I realised after about 2 minutes what I had done and threw my phone back down. I need to write. I need to face my fears. I need to stop being scared. I need to process. I need to heal.

I can take my time. I can take one small step. I can do it slowly. I can do it.

I started today’s entry with nothing to say and somehow ended up here. Admitting I’m scared of feeling. I feel everything so deeply, even the small things.

We’re all scared of feeling. But being scared is holding me back. I want to be my true self. I want to get there. I can get there.

Nice chatting to you diary. Thanks for letting me spiral.