Becoming, Lucy

I listen to music. A lot of music. You will find me with headphones on 75% of the time, which doesn’t sound much but I am a mother first, so when I’m looking after my boys, I can’t wear my headphones (I wish). But honestly, even when I’m with my boys, we have music in the background most of the time. I think it quietens (is that a word? It doesn’t sound like a word) my mind, which is funny because I usually listen to songs that hurt me, where I resonate with the lyrics or the melodies make me feel something.

Music soundtracks most of my daily tasks, I need that escape. Recently I’ve found myself listening to the ’emo’ songs and bands I listened to as a teen. Please tell me you all went through that stage too? It wasn’t full blown emo for me but I definitely listened to some deep shit for a 14-year old.

I’ve been loving it. Rediscovering music I used to love, whilst finding new bands, new songs. I feel like this is me. These bands, these lyrics, this music.

I think it’s my superpower honestly, I look so plain jane, neutral, boring but my headphones are blaring screamo music. Currently as I type this, I have ‘Static’ by Sleep Theory playing, what a bop. You really shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, the sweetest looking thing could have the scariest things inside.

Woah. Not going to analyse that last line or I’ll spiral and cry. No one wants me to cry. Right?

I’m not sure what the point of me writing all this is. It’s just something I’ve noticed recently, something I’ve learned about myself – this music is who I am. I tried suppressing her for awhile, tried to fit in with the crowd for whatever silly reason teenage me decided. That’s not to say I still didn’t have these depressing songs in my playlist and listen to them in private but now I listen to them loudly and proudly.

I even get my boys to headbang to them. Have you ever seen a toddler headbang? Cutest thing ever.

You will find I get side-tracked a lot.

I suppose the whole point of this is – this is a part of me I have rediscovered, pulled out of the burial plot I tried forcing her into, and it’s another step in my self-discovery journey, my self-love journey.

It makes me happy. I hope you have something that makes you happy.