Becoming, Lucy

I don’t even know how to start this entry. What a weird and horrible week. Was my mood dropping constantly last week just foreshadowing what was to come?

I had to ‘force’ myself to be happy last week, to find happiness – more than once. Was my cat escaping then coming back at night his way of warning me? Probably not. That’s ridiculous. But then Saturday came and the worst news was delivered.

I don’t understand grief. I don’t think it’s an emotion humans understand at all. I think there are too many emotions involved… sadness, guilt, relief, jealousy, fear, happiness. Maybe grief is just an umbrella term for something that is too hard to label.

That call. It sounds like a constant ringing in my ears when I try recall it… Time really did slow down and then just freeze. Even now, it doesn’t feel like time has caught up. It feels like everyone else is on normal time… But mine is slowed, like I’m in a haze…

I don’t feel part of myself. I’m on the outside looking in. But life continues. The school runs continue, work still needs doing, the fridge still needs filling…

Even in the darkness, there is life.