Becoming, Lucy

I’m not sure what to write about today… I wanted to do a journal entry or focus on a topic. And I did – I wrote about being grown up/mature for your age but it just feels… Wrong.

It feels wrong just to continue life when someone else’s stopped so suddenly. I know if I live like that, then that isn’t living and I’m sure someone will give me some bullshit about how the person that passed would want me to continue my life, which is great, but not helpful at all. Why should I get to continue my life when theirs ended so abruptly, without warning? When they could have had another 20/30 years easily?

All my problems feel so small and so pointless. It’s such a weird feeling because my problems don’t disappear just because they feel smaller. I guess this is part of becoming though, going through these lessons, these seasons. My problems may feel smaller but they’re still part of me and my journey into becoming the person I want to be. I want to be able to live my life – so when I do die, myself and others can say I lived my life the way I wanted to live it, that I had a full life.

I suppose I need to figure out what that looks like for me, what makes my life ‘full’. And now I’m stumped. I don’t know what that could look like for me.

• I want to say ‘yes’ more – Go to that concert, go on that holiday, go on that hike. Just do it.
• I want to achieve my million and one dreams – finish writing my book, start that business, begin my bucket list.

And that’s all I can think of right now… Maybe that’s what part of becoming is, learning what makes life ‘full’. I suppose with each season, my definition of ‘living life to the fullest’ will change and that’s okay. My chapters are being written as I go and the ending isn’t set.

For now, I’m going to stick with trying to find the joy in the small things, to continue being present so I can notice them because right now, continuing to live feels like a cruel privilege. But continuing isn’t a betrayal.