Becoming, Lucy

Hi Me,

Today was boring.

You know I keep wanting to say my life is boring but it isn’t – it’s ordinary. I say boring because it’s not filled with loads of activities, news or gossip like you see all these influencers on TikTok or YouTube or on all the other countless social platforms. I have to remind myself that social media isn’t real, it’s mainly performance and ‘Day In The Life’ videos are usually filmed when people actually do stuff that’s worth videoing.

So today was ordinary. School run, work from home and a coffee shop (mainly people watching) then school run followed by tea (it’s tea, not dinner), a kitchen dance party, boys bedtime, then a workout. Now I’m here, writing again. I don’t really have much to say but I know if I just let myself write then I’ll end up spiralling into a topic I want to discuss somehow.

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Some things I’m enjoying at the moment:

• Working out/exercising consistently
• Music
• Crunchy autumn leaves
• Writing

I’m not spiralling, oh dear. Maybe I can only write on rest days when the endorphins aren’t keeping me happy as Larry. Oh, never mind. Blood Sport by Sleep Token has just come on shuffle so that should do it.

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Actually, that has just reminded me of something that happened today.

While I was working, I had this rush of emotion that was overwhelming and intense. It made me uncomfortable, especially when I wasn’t sure why it had happened mid-task, when I was distracted. I couldn’t name it at first, I wasn’t sure why or what I was feeling. But then it all clicked into place – LIFEBLOOD by VOILA had just played.

I was filled with this need to be loved and to give love.

It came like a heaviness at first over my whole body, especially in my chest; not in a suffocating way, but just as though there was a lot I was holding inside wanting to be released. My body felt fuzzy, my hands craved connection. Things felt warm and heavy all at once.

My body took the small pause, the second between tasks, as a moment to speak and I let it – I listened to what it was asking for, longing for. My body craves to be there for someone, to love someone, to nurture them whilst also being seen and held with the mutual compassion.

But in this moment of reflection I realised I can only receive that if I can give that to myself – I need to be able to show myself softness and love like that. I need to be able to give myself permission to receive love like that.

Not quite sure how to end this one now. I wish I had a list of things that I’m going to start doing to show myself tenderness and softness like that, but I don’t – I’m just going to figure it out as I go, one step at a time.

I don’t need to be perfect, I just need to be present.

Yours,
Still Becoming