Becoming, Lucy

Need to write. Should write. No idea what to write.

The truth is, I’m feeling disconnected from myself. I feel as though I’m watching my life, rather than live it at the moment. I’m just going through the motions.

It’s such an odd feeling. I didn’t notice it until earlier – I lit a candle, watched the rain against the window (yes, I live life like I’m the main character, obviously) and sipped on my tea. In that moment, I realised how much I haven’t been present at all this week, just getting through each day.

It’s funny because I told a friend I was doing okay. The first few days of grief hit me hard and then somehow I just kind of… forgot. Maybe forgot isn’t the right word as I would still have moments where it would hit me he’s really gone during the day but I just kind of avoided it.

I don’t think I allow myself to think about it until I have to – which is usually at the funeral. But no funeral this time, as that wasn’t their wish and I’m not quite sure how to process it.

I’m really not sure where I’m going with this. I wanted to write, I have wrote something half finished once again. No resolution – just simply recognising I’m not feeling up to it.