Becoming, Lucy

Hi me,

I didn’t write at all yesterday… Truthfully I was asleep when I usually sit down to write. 4am wake up and work 6am – 5pm meant I was asleep by 6:30pm – I was exhausted.

I’m not sure I had much to say yesterday anyway, or even today. Life is still… Life. Just getting through each day…

It’s no way to live is it? I don’t want to live like this, just doing life. My mind has just jumped to something I learned in Sociology at college, how some people are happy with life being like this and that’s why the world will never change. I’m really not sure I want to end up on a massive sociology spiral with myself, so I’ll go back to making it about myself instead.

So yes, I don’t want to just live life like this everyday… I get that it’s normal – life isn’t meant to be something fancy everyday or the way we see it in movies or in the media but I also don’t want to work to live or spend everyday doing the same routine for the rest of my life. I want adventure, to explore, to do my passions – start that business, write my book, see the world, research things I’m interested in.

And I can. I can do those things but also those things require money and time. I’m about to spiral into the fact I’m a mother and it just isn’t my time right now, I can feel it sat there wanting to come out but I’m fed up of that excuse. Because that is what it is, it’s an excuse. I can find ways around it, I can include the boys, I can make extra money (somehow) – I don’t have to keep using being a mother and having limited funds as an excuse.

I want to live for today, not for in 10 years. I want to show my boys what it’s like to live for today, not just for the future – the future is still important but so is today. I am fed up of disguising my fear as responsibility. I want to show my boys how to live, not just survive.

I have started already though, I should give myself some credit. I am doing things I wouldn’t have done 2 years ago, booking those concert tickets, taking day trips, having ‘me’ time rituals and also including the boys in my things. Small things, which have been making a difference to my everyday life and helping me shape who I am as a person – discovering who I am away from being a mum.

I have been reminded how short life is time and time again, so it’s time to show myself and my boys what it’s like to live. Living doesn’t need to be chaos, or big dramatic moments, just small things that stetch my world.

So starting this week, I’m going to answer three questions – not just for me, but so my boys can see it too someday:

What made me feel alive this week?
What did I choose differently?
What would I tell my boys about this moment if they were my age?

Hopefully these help me understand what ‘living’ means to me and I can begin stretching my world.

Sending love, me x