Becoming, Lucy

I haven’t sat down to write in a few days. I’ve honestly been exhausted – on top of the toddler being ill, then of course getting ill myself and the last week of school before half term, it has been none stop. There were moments when I felt guilty for not finding time, for not pushing through anyway, but I reminded myself I’m allowed to rest, to take time for myself, especially when I’m ill.

So here I am, today. I’m showing up when I feel able to, when I feel comfortable enough to do so. I am proud of me for doing what was best for me this week and not just because writing, journaling or whatever we want to call this, is what has been helping me most.

With how busy I’ve been this week (busy dying in bed), I don’t have much to write about. I haven’t had any ground-breaking moments, or anything particular to share but like I said in my last entry, life doesn’t have to be chaos, just small moments that stretch my world.

I saw a stranger in a coffee shop the other day (when I wasn’t ill). I went to work and was deep in focus but I looked up and there was a man, sat there alone. He wasn’t on his phone, or any device. It was just him, the table and his coffee. The scene fully distracted me, I was so curious to know whether he was lonely or just quite happy looking between his coffee and the wall.

Yes, he sat with his back to the whole café so he was facing the wall. Even when I’m sat, not working or reading, I don’t sit with my back to the café, I face it so I can people watch and make up crazy backstories for each person. So this man definitely had me curious.

My social anxiety was screaming at me not to start a conversation and unfortunately, it won. I suck at small talk. I should’ve used that moment to stretch my world a little bit and I will, next time (I’ve made myself promise) – but that whole moment stretched my world just a little. He had me curious, he had me questioning my own choices and even made me promise to strike up a conversation with a stranger next time I see someone alone. It’s the small steps, the small moments that help me on my becoming journey.

I suppose I also need to answer the three questions I told myself I would answer each week:

What made me feel alive this week?
Probably the moment in the cafe with the stranger. He reminded me that we might feel lonely in our own worlds, but we share this big world with billions of others and thats a magical thing.

What did I choose differently?
I don’t have a dramatic answer for this… Oh wait, yes I do. Well not dramatic but it’s better than me saying I’ve finally gone from iced coffee to hot now it’s cold enough. I chose not to guilt myself for resting.

What would I tell my boys about this moment if they were my age?
Hmm… I’d tell them I was proud of them for choosing themselves, for not letting themselves sit in guilt. I would also say they should find any stranger and strike up conversation with them, they don’t have to look lonely or make you pause for you to step out of your comfort zone. Start easy, start with the barista at the cafe next time.

Wow… I did not expect to get that out of me by answering those questions. I guess it shows I already have the answers inside of me, even when I don’t feel like I do, I just need to approach it differently.

I’m philosophical as fuck now that I’ve taken a break from writing for a bit. Call me philosophical Luce x