Becoming, Lucy

I haven’t written for a while again. I’ve been ill (again, woohoo) and I’ve also been super busy.

I’ve been reflecting on some of my writing though, and I can’t help but think I take a step forward, then two steps back.

I seem to have these big revelations as I write, or seem to resolve whatever spiral I end up in, but when I read them back a few weeks later, I realise I never really sit with my resolution. I just accept it, forget about it, and then move on… only to end up in the same spiral again a few weeks later.

I suppose that’s becoming, though.

Or maybe it’s my brain’s way of saying that I know the answers, I can get them out, but I just need to learn how to process them.

Or maybe I’m just full of shit and pretend to know what the hell I’m on about.
Definitely the third option.

But again… that’s becoming. (That’s what I’m going to tell my delusional self anyway.)

Sigh. I don’t know. It’s exhausting.

Am I meant to have it all figured out?
If the answer is no – then what should I know right now?
If the answer is yes – can someone tell me why it’s so damn hard to figure it all out?

I just feel stuck, like I’m constantly going round in circles.

It reminds me of an image I saw once. It said that if we don’t do anything, we stay stagnant – the line doesn’t move. But if we do something, even when it feels messy, the line might go up and down, but progress is still being made.

Maybe I am still progressing.
Even if I feel like I’m struggling, I’m still taking steps towards the person I want to be, or maybe, the person I already am.

I’m discovering her slowly.

So now I need to make sure that after this big revelation, I remember it. That I actually process it.

I am enough.

(Wow. Writing that sentence made tears come to my eyes. Maybe that’s a spiral for another day -there’s definitely trauma behind it.)