Becoming, Lucy

Hey you…

It has been a while hasn’t it?

Life has been… well life. Kids ill constantly, myself ill, travelling, work, Christmas events. It has been nonstop. But I haven’t come back to talk about the everyday things.

I don’t really know what I’m here to talk about. I haven’t been feeling anything big or dramatic recently but I also haven’t really been allowing myself to feel. I haven’t had time to process, to think, to sit in my emotions.

I’ve just been keeping myself busy – numb to everything.

As I write now, I can feel the emotions stirring under the surface, wanting to come out.

I just haven’t had time, you know? Or when I have, I’m just too tired. I’m tired now.

I know I can’t keep everything locked in forever though. I know I have been neglecting processing everything. Neglecting feeling my emotions. Neglecting my journal. Neglecting me.

I do this all the time – forget about myself for a bit, put myself last on my list. I’m not looking for pity or whatever you want to dish out, I’m just saying it how it is… I guess I’m just telling myself off. I shouldn’t be putting myself last or I’m never going to be able to care for anyone else.

Why do I know this but do absolutely fuck all about it?

I’m not even sure what the point of it all is. Of anything.

Rivers flow, leaves fall, the sky moves, I’m still.

What’s the point of it all?