Becoming, Lucy

So this week I wrote about not really being ready for the end of the year or ready to close that chapter of my life yet – how I feel like I’m still searching for something else but having no idea what it is I’m searching for.

I’m still clueless sadly. This won’t be a ‘yay, I have the answers’ entry (I bloody wish). No. The reason I’m writing right now is because I felt this surge again to search, to get the answers. At first it comes like an ache in my chest, then deep in my gut and then it manifests into anxiety – racing heart, unable to sit still, fidgeting. It’s extremely uncomfortable so instead of avoiding it again, I’m going to try write through it.

We’ll see how this goes.

Truthfully, it has calmed itself since I started writing about it (any therapists out there are probably saying “well duh, you’re processing and grounding yourself simultaneously”) but it’s still lingering in my chest – this need for answers.

I wish I knew what the bloody question was. Maybe I need to start a new project or invest my time into something else equally stimulating and fulfilling but nothing calls to me. Nothing feels satisfying.

Am I just depressed? I don’t feel depressed. I was thinking last week that I think I’ve avoided seasonal depression this year but then I told my best friend about my revelation and she reminded me I’m just depressed every day of the year anyway. I cackled. She isn’t wrong.

I truly think I just have a lot of something to give and have no where to put it. I’m not sure what that something is. Love? Maybe. I’m good at loving people and things. That has just reminded me of what i said to a friend today. I told him how I feel too much, see too much but saying it like that feels like a really negative way to look at it.

Why do I describe it as a bad thing? Surely it’s a good thing to feel deeply? To see things others miss? Yeah, it can be pretty shit for me, feeling everything and seeing everything but it could be classed as a super power. I’m not convinced (yet).

Am I just deluded? Probably.

I don’t know where I’m trying to go with any of this. The yearning feeling has disappeared now too… Maybe writing about it isn’t the answer. Maybe trying to intellectualise it is not going to work – I mean it rarely does.

YOLO x