Becoming, Lucy

I just turned the music up in my headphones to avoid feeling, to stop thinking.

Of course it didn’t work, the thoughts just got louder. They don’t want to be silenced now that I understand them. My head and heart are finally speaking the same language and they refuse to be silenced.

This isn’t something I can outrun. This isn’t something I can pretend I didn’t learn. It’s not something I can just put in a box. I have to feel it. I have to work through it.

So yeah. I have figured out what the ache in my chest was/is. My revelation came at the worst time. Both kids running wild and causing chaos before tea (or dinner) – the after school/nursery crazies. I was in the middle of washing up after preparing tea and the ache came again and then for the first time it followed with words, with something I could understand.

‘Fuck’.

Quite literally my first thought, breathed out slowly. There’s not much I could do about it then so I quickly grabbed my phone and wrote out everything into my notes app whilst the kids continued to shout and make the living room look like a bomb had gone off.

Now it’s about three hours later, the boys are in bed and I was quietly hoping I could avoid thinking about it again, but of course it has creeped back in. So I did what every normal person avoiding their emotions and thoughts would do, put on my headphones and slowly turned the volume up.

I quickly found Ascensionism by Sleep Token and put it on repeat. I’ve been quietly obsessed with this song for a while now – I just thought it was a certain part of the song I was hooked on but as I sit and listen (whilst trying to ignore this ache), I realise the lyrics are crazy specific to my journey.

I don’t just resonate with the lyrics, I recognise them.

I want to transcend. I’m constantly split between longing and logic. I love so deeply it becomes spiritual, I hurt so quietly that it becomes cosmic. I have been living in this space of who I once was and who I am becoming. Grieving the old me’s – the Lucy’s that never got this, the Lucy’s that could never make it over the threshold.

The song to some people may be about love/obsession, Vessels relationship with Sleep (Sleep Token lore for those that don’t know), but for me it’s about the state I am in.

I am becoming alive inside but my life, my outershell – they haven’t caught up yet and don’t reflect everything inside of me.

I am living in a liminal space.

I need to learn to be okay with that, for now. I just need to sit with this new knowledge, understand what it means for me and how to slowly make my life work for the Lucy I am becoming. For now, I just need to witness this.

I am not late. I am not broken. I am waking up.