I couldn’t write last night. I didn’t feel as though I had anything to say which is funny because I spent the whole day with the giggles. I spent the whole day catching myself laughing over absolutely nothing which is such a contrast to how I’ve been recently with this ache, the pull in my chest.
Maybe I finally felt relief from discovering what it was and my body processed that through literal giggles all day… Honestly, I was like a five year old laughing over the most mundane shit. At one point I was laughing because I was ripping up a cardboard box for the bin… What?
Anyway, it’s now the next day – I am sat in a coffee shop, supposed to be working but I just feel this need to write, to get my thoughts out. I can’t really hear the thoughts or make sense of them, they’re like half finished sentences in my brain currently. Lots of them all at once, just when I think I’m about to latch onto one, a new one catches my attention.
That’s what it’s like in my brain all the time. I don’t think I ever complete a full thought.
I started reading White Nights by Dostoyevsky the other day – I haven’t finished reading Crime and Punishment yet, or my fantasy read I’m a third of the way through… But you know, I’m not this chaotic mess without the chaos.
Anyway, the point of me saying that is because the first three pages spoke to me in a way I have been thinking about since I read them. He talks/pretends to hear to inanimate objects, gives them personalities and also avoids conversations with strangers…
Now, I have no idea if this character is delulu – I had to stop reading after the third page due to my ‘holy shit’ moment – so I could be admitting on the internet that I am also delulu but it was a special sort of recognition moment.
The more I read Dostoyevsky, the more I fall in love with his characters and also how he makes me feel less alone, less silly. Humans have been chaotic, emotional messes for centuries and I am not just broken. It’s a special sort of comfort.
See, now that I’m here, once again I have no idea what the point of all this was. I just zoned out for ten minutes, people watching whilst I tried to figure out the point. I didn’t get to the point.
I’m just getting to the point where I think I need to write almost everyday to help empty my thoughts. That reminds me of a song actually… Let me find the lyrics: “I pick up the pieces, turn ’em to verses. Digital hearses, all from my mind.” – Such a powerful line that resonates so hard… Even if I won’t be rapping anytime soon. (The song is smbdy2u by ix, uyi – for those interested).
So it is now the evening and I have opened this tab back up to see this entry… Honestly forgot I wrote this earlier until I saw it there.
Still not sure on the point.
Maybe the point is what I said above – I need to write everyday to help empty my thoughts.
Becoming, Lucy 
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