Becoming, Lucy

I have rewritten this starting sentence about twenty times. I’m just not sure what I want to say and that summarises my week. The truth is I’ve been busy working on evenings, overwhelmed and exhausted from the day so I’ve been too disassociated and tired to really focus on writing at the times I usually write.

But today is different – today I have scheduled time to write during the day. I need this, I need to process the week. Honestly, I feel like I’m failing as a mother. Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this in a coffee shop as that was a heavy truth and tears are threatening. But yeah, I’m just carrying a lot as a parent this week, this month but I know it’s just a season and it’ll soon get easier.

Although I haven’t found much time to write this week, whenever I’ve had something that I needed to get down and out of my mind, I have written it somewhere. I can’t remember what the inspiration was or what I was thinking about at the time but I wrote something in my notes app as a prompt for later writing or to dive deeper into when I have the energy.

I’m so human
Full of life
Energy
Silly gestures
Happiness
Sadness
Curiosity

I wouldn’t say it was some sort of big revelation or this big empowering moment as I was writing it or even now as I read it… It’s this quiet acceptance of being human, of being no more than a being.

I have been thinking a lot recently about purpose; my purpose, the purpose of the human race. I’ve struggled with an answer and truly I don’t think there is an answer, not a straightforward one anyway. But writing that… I’m not sure. It just made something click for me – that I’m okay without a purpose as long as I just keep being human. Whatever that means.

I was going to leave it there but I’m sat here, sipping my coffee and watching human interaction. Strangers saying good morning to one another, elderly parents with their middle aged children talking, couples sharing silence and sipping over roasted coffee beans, a husband winding up his wife shining a torch from his keys in her eyes, a group of friends gossiping animatedly.

We’re all human.
And it’s so beautiful.