Becoming, Lucy

Lately I’ve been noticing my patterns and how I respond to certain things, specifically around being supported and being seen.

I crave being seen. It has taken a lot of internal work to realise that is what I want, what I need. I find myself seeking it in people I love, in people I know love me but I’m never fully met with what it was I was searching for.

And that’s okay. They’re still supportive. They still love me. I still love them. But they don’t really get it or understand me. It’s a weird thing to be okay with.

I think you can only really ‘see’ yourself. Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t really have a clear answer on that.

I have been searching for clarity. But instead I realised that clarity arrives as discomfort rather than answers, and I have been living in discomfort for a long time as I worked through what I needed, what I wanted.

And what I need, what I want is resonance. I used to think resonance was attention seeking… I don’t anymore. My soul craves resonance. I think all souls crave resonance. I’m not sure where I’ll find it but I know it’s out there. A song, a book, a person… Fuck. Maybe a mirror. Who knows?

I know it’s not something I will solve straight away but maybe I can find peace in my discomfort, in my search for clarity, in the lack of resonance. Maybe, just maybe there is peace in the unknown.

Does anyone ever really know someone? Or can you only know yourself?