Becoming, Lucy

I have been struggling with what I want to write about for weeks. I want to reflect on something. To write an essay. But nothing has felt inspiring. My brain hasn’t felt stimulated or much… Satisfaction? Satisfaction with any of my ideas.

Then I realised I haven’t really felt much joy recently. I haven’t felt much of anything. Not any real strong emotions. I have just been numb to it all. Which is rather funny because I have been capturing soft moments from my days and posting them as weekly photo dumps on Instagram. So to most, I probably look like I am thriving (social media is fake). I have been posting the dumps and taking the pictures for myself though – a reminder that I am capable of finding softness, of living slowly, of noticing things.

Being numb hasn’t meant I am not present, nor incapable of feeling. Maybe numb isn’t the right word to describe how I have been. But I have been going through the motions and just surviving everything life is throwing at me at the moment. No big emotions have taken over and lasted more than a few minutes.

BUT (and it is a big but (hehe)), I have been feeling something that could almost be described as content. It isn’t often. It isn’t all the time. But it has been appearing.

For example, the other day I caught my reflection in the mirror and had to do a double take because I was glowing. I really looked at myself and said, “woah. I’m glowing.” Now it could’ve just been sweat – it was warm and I was moving furniture around – but I felt a sense of peace wash over me. The sensation flooded my senses and I smiled. Properly. I smiled properly for what feels like the first time in weeks. Sorry, months.

I believed that smile. I felt like I was coming home to myself after the longest time. Of course it didn’t last long though. I don’t trust myself to keep that happiness around. As quick as it arrives, that little voice in my head reminds me that it never lasts long. I sabotage my happiness.

My bracelet keeps getting attached to my laptop because for some stupid reason my laptop is magnetic and it is driving me insane. My train of thought has come to a stop. Or maybe I am just avoiding something.

Contentment and numbness are rather close emotions.

Am I about to crash out over that thought?
Possibly. Highly likely.

Contentment is just peace, right? Numbness could also be peace? Because numbness means I am not feeling anything and I am not suffering. Ah fuck. Good lord, send help. Maybe what I really felt when I looked in the mirror was joy then? Or am I just trying to explain away this content or maybe numb feeling? Seriously, help. No. Contentment is different. Because contentment feels lighter. It feels like noticing those soft moments.

What if I have really been feeling content this whole time and not realised it? No. That’s not it. Because it isn’t around long enough. So maybe… I am not really numb. Maybe I am a liar.

I am a liar.

I think I have been lying to myself (and you) to make it easier. So I wouldn’t have to sit with everything I have been feeling. Honestly, it has worked. The emotions never stayed long. Is it healthy? Probably not. But it has been working. I think?

I have been feeling sad, tired, angry, frustrated, and at times peace. Occasionally happiness too. I wish it lingered longer.

I don’t think I trust happiness right now to let it linger. I don’t think I believe I am deserving of it. Or that now is the right time to feel happiness at this stage in my life. Why do I believe that? Because surely I am allowed to feel happiness whenever I want and it doesn’t matter when it shows up. But I truly think if happiness showed up tomorrow… I would question it. I wouldn’t be able to accept it.

Maybe content is the only positive feeling I will allow myself to feel right now. And that’s a scary thought because… Well, how long am I going to let it stay before I allow myself to feel joy? To feel real happiness? Contentment feels safe. Contentment is easier to fall from. Happiness feels too high to fall from. When sadness comes, it won’t feel like I am being ripped from the sky. Contentment feels manageable.

Maybe contentment is the pathway to happiness. What if contentment is the foundation of happiness and I just didn’t know this is what healing looked like? I didn’t expect to feel contentment. I didn’t expect to be okay. I expected low lows and dramatic highs, not this middle feeling – where feelings come and go, where nothing lingers for too long.

Or maybe it’s not healing at all. Maybe it’s just an unwillingness to feel anything more.